8. Attending a party where one of you doesn’t know anyone. This is debatably worse, because you usually wind up meeting everyone in a group situation, and you get bombarded by questions and people, and you can’t even remember everyone’s names, and then they get offended, and pretty soon, you’re just standing off to the side awkwardly pretending to text while ignoring that everyone is talking about how you’re a weirdo. Or maybe it goes perfectly well for you, because you’re a sociopath who doesn’t care about other people. Either way, you lose.
9. Finding your first place … and decorating it. Finding a place you both want to live is tough as it is, unless you’re both birds in which case you’re just like, “Yeah, that tree looks OK” (but also you’re birds so you’re not reading this). But then … then … you have to decorate it.
Picking a bunch of things out is one thing (and if you think it’s impossible to get into an argument over a bed skirt, even if you didn’t even know what a bed skirt was until you moved in together, you are wrong), but then you’ve also got to figure out which of your personal belongings you keep and which you throw out. You’ll never understand the importance of a bunch of old mugs you’ve had since college until someone is asking you to throw those mugs in the garbage. Then they become the most important mugs you’ve ever held. You might as well drink your shitty morning coffee out of Fabergé eggs.
10. The pressure of having to buy a gift for them. If you just started dating before this holiday, then the mental gymnastics you have to do to find an appropriate gift are insane, because apparently getting someone you just met something nice makes you a crazy person. People get committed for buying their partner-of-two-weeks something over $200. If you can get successfully buy your partner a gift instead of walking into oncoming traffic, then you have what it takes to stay together forever.
11. Realizing that you both have a deep, unyielding commitment to rival ketchup brands when you go grocery shopping for the first time together. Hey, have you been dating less than a year? That’s cool. That means you’ve probably never gone grocery shopping with your partner and never even thought about what they eat. You’ve probably never had them come up to you with a cart full of a literally insane amount of bananas and thought, I don’t know why, but the idea of someone eating that many bananas in a week makes me irrationally angry. You’ve never thought, Why would someone ever pay that much for salmon? You’ve never thought, Why would a grown adult still buy Cocoa Puffs? You have never realized that it’s physically possible to stare at pasta sauce for 20 fucking minutes. You’ve never truly gazed into the depths of your partner’s soul and seen just how black it is when they take your fruit snacks out of the cart and replace it with granola, and don’t tell you until you’re at checkout. If you can successfully navigate the horrifying, maze-like aisles of the grocery store together, then you are truly meant to be together.