Seriously, if you can handle figuring out what to eat after one of you says, “I don’t know,” you have the foundation for a beautiful relationship.
1. Trying desperately to assemble a dresser from IKEA together. Sartre was wrong. Hell isn’t other people. It’s putting together a cabinet made of compression board with other people. It doesn’t matter how much love is in your heart, good luck staying sane when you realize the screws you were scouring every inch of the floor for was in your partner’s hand the entire time. Because they thought it was prudent to hoard them like a squirrel (apologies to anyone actually dating a squirrel. I’m sure your relationship is lovely and nuanced and beautiful).
2. When you ask your partner what they want for dinner and they say, “I don’t know.” Sometimes, pouring over takeout menus to figure out what you want to eat is very much like the negotiations at the Treaty of Versailles, in that it leads to an all-out world war and the rise of socialism in Germany. Except here, the ultimate act of transgression is saying “I don’t know” when your partner asks what you want to eat (although it’s frankly not as bad as bombing Pearl Harbor or, arguably, the movie Pearl Harbor. But if your partner has bombed Pearl Harbor or directed the movie Pearl Harbor, that’s a huge red flag). That is one of the worst things you can say. If you don’t care, just say “tacos.” Literally say “tacos” every time you don’t know what you want to eat if you care the least bit about your partner’s sanity. Tacos is your go to, forever. Seriously, if you can handle figuring out what to eat after one of you says, “I don’t know,” you have the foundation for a beautiful relationship.
3. A road trip that takes more than two hours. After an hour, your car essentially becomes a mobile prison with no way to escape short of opening a door, rolling, and hoping you don’t go under another car. The first time you commit to a serious road trip, you’re committing not only to spending time together in a tiny box of metal, but you’re also committing to one of you navigating while the other drives (and God have mercy on your soul if one of you decides to secretly change routes and send you to the Powerline concert). If you make it to the destination and you’re both still sitting in the front (as opposed to one of you locked in the trunk), then congratulations. Here’s a certificate you can print out if you actually made it through a road trip alive:
Feel free to get it notarized.